Drained out

Well, one more time I sit here thinking on what is happening to me, and how hard this road is. In the emtying of me, God is truly taking everything away from me. All my securities, my anchors where I held onto, and stripping away everything known to me. I am being left to force myself to wait on Him, to not come up with the answers by myself, on my own, and it is being very difficult. Specially since that is all I have known up until now. So, to wait in him while reading, or being quiet in his presence is so foreign to me, that is really causing me to change, to wrestle, to go against my old nature and it feels good but weird. I want to be emptied out of all that is me until there's nothing else but a heart that is ready to be poured into by my Father. Strip it all away God!


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DYING...

WOW! I never thought i would be at this place, like this, and feel good about it. You see, what is happening in my life right now is that i am seeing and feeling this old person living in me dying slowly. And you might think, what do you mean? What i mean is that for so long i have been "play acting", as a friend put it, under this fake identity, this false person that i thought it was me. Weird, uh? No, not really. Reality is, we all function like this most of our lives. We acquire this fake identity, this false person, and pick it up and put it on as a defense, self-protective mechanism. From what? From all the wounds, past and present, that have been inflicted upon us and that have led us to, as a result, to inflict on others. Past sins committed against us as well as sins we have committed to others are all a part of this false identity. And i have lived with it for so long, it is so familiar, so comfortable, that i don't even realize this is not who i am. So, how did i get to be in this place where this old "David" is dying? What does that mean? Well, let me tell you about this old David. The old David is a person that lives insecurely in everything he does. He lives everyday to perform for his heavenly Father, for his wife, kids, and everyone else. He lives for the approval, acceptance, recognition and acknowledgment of other people. Everything he does is on display, on a grading scale, and usually he fails to perform "his best" performance, therefore he has to try harder every time, doing more, better, louder, flashier, more intense things in order to get the attention and meaning he so desperately needs. But it is never enough. It's a trap. He doesn't know who he is. He is serving the gods of other people's opinions. He is serving the gods that cannot ever be appeased. He is functioning under pagan traditions, spiritually cutting himself, yelling louder, dancing crazier, etc. Kinda like the story of Elijah and the prophets of ba'al.
What a pathetic way of living, isn't it? But this is what was fed to him as he was growing up. He was shamed, embarrassed, made fun of and belittled a lot. And so he felt he needed to work his hardest to make up for all his shortcomings. He felt that he needed to perform more, better, etc. And so, in this same way i have been relating to my Father. And it is icky to Him. Day after day trying to perform for him, to impress him, to buy his affection, to work hard to earn his favor, when in reality, all of that stuff is the reason why Jesus came to save me. Cause nothing that i do, that i can offer can earn my his love. That is why he gives it to me for free. Cause he loves me. And how hard has that been for me to understand. Every morning for a long time i have woken up trying to force intimacy with him through a set of "rules" and disciplines that only make it worse. Every morning i make a to-do list, wishing i have enough activities for the  day so that at the end i can feel like i did something, like i accomplished enough, but feeling so bad for not doing the most spiritual, the most impacting, the most life-altering stuff. If the day was filled with crappy projects, it still wouldn't be enough. I needed to feel spiritual enough. Man, what a slave.
But that old David is dying. And i am going crazy. The David i knew is going away, and i am being left with limbo, all the while God is preparing me to reveal to me who i really am. It is a weird place. It is a scary place. Because everything i held onto for security, for meaning, for purpose, in my personal life and ministry is being taken away, and i am being left to trust in a God that says He knows me, and He knows what He's doing.
So, my question to you is this...are you living under a fake identity? Will you be brave enough to let him take you out and "kill you softly with His love"?

WHEN IN OBEDIENCE...

It was only yesterday when i shared this story about my friend, and how God has totally opened the door to share so much truth with him, and to be there to help guide him into the freedom and life that God has for him. It was only yesterday when i knew that i had to be obedient to "ONE HEART AT A TIME", the words from God we heard about how he wanted us to go about this ministry. After i came back from the coffee shop, i found a message from him, where he shared about how fed up he was with the life he has been living, and that after talking to me he made the decision to put an end to his lies. An end to trying to protect a life that is empty, a life that has given him more hurts and wounds than anything else. I told him, "why are you trying so hard to cover up, to protect and to defend a life that is empty anyways?". Why are you trying so hard to defend and protect a life that has given you nothing but thorns, that has inflicted wounds on your soul and that is full of fake stuff, masquerades and emptiness that you can't bear anymore"? And that is exactly what he told me in his email afterward. He was encouraged, excited and ready to give that life up, to let it die, to let God kill his old self, no matter what the shame, or rejection or fear of being alone would be. He is already feeling alone, ashamed and guilty. So, he has nothing to lose but his old, yucky life.
So, i was so proud of him.
Today satan was not lazy, and he got to work right away. This evening i get a phone call from Juan, and his parents had a fight, and they told him to leave the house. He calls me crying, hopeless and confused. God, what are you doing? SO, God gave me the words to say to him, to encourage him, to uplift him, and to make him see that just as he is broken and in need of healing, and how his past has played a huge part in the sins he has walked in lately, so is his dad in a huge need of healing, and his mom, and the whole family. And just as he has been given grace, he needs to realize that even though what his parents are walking in is sin, they're also desperate for healing. Then Ricky got to talk to him cause they were at the coffee shop, and he said they had a good talk.
God is definitely doing something here, and it is one heart at a time. Thanks for listening...

At the cafe right now

So, as I sit here at the coffee shop, with my friend Juan, I can't help but be amazed at the goodness of God and how faithful he is. Juan has been on a journey with me the last few weeks where he has been learning about sin in his life, about torment, the seduction that that torment and shame bring with it, and the trap that seduction offers, the fake and empty relief it brings us and how to stand against it. He has been confessing ugly sins and learning how that doesn't disqualify him from God. How in fact that shame is what keeps us away from God. It goes back to Adam and eve and how they hid from God as soon as they sinned. As we have been chatting here, he's learning that true love can be found and that sin is just that, sin, and it has consequences but it has been paid for, and as long as we bring it to the light and confess it to one another, it loses it's power over us to bring that condemnation in our lives. I can tell he's freer just by being allowed to be real and not judged. Maybe that is what Jesus was trying to communicate when he told the adulterous woman, "where are those who accused you", and then said "neither do I. Go and sin no more".
Thank you for your revelation Jesus


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