Honestly speaking

 The things i am seeing in my life right now are causing my heart to ache because these are things that have been dealt with in the past, and that i’ve grown more mature in, but they seem to be coming back in futile ways and I’ve been feeling sick about them, which in result make my heart feel very anxious, frustrated, irritated and angry, disappointed and defeated , which again, as a result they make me be restless, defensive and insecure.

These are patterns and/or cycles that can be devastating and can bring death and chaos to our lives and relationships. They make us begin to react to things in ways we don’t want to because we are distracted, allowing our emotions to dictate and rule over what we know it’s true, and that never brings life or healing or joy or peace.

It only brings darkness and death.

So, it also brings separation, disconnection, mistrust (as in my relationship with God and others), anger, discomfort, and the need and/or desire to look for quick fixes, to go to idols, to find a relief for our sorrow, and it makes us doubt God’s love and other’s love as well. We take everything as an attack, defensively cause we cannot discern the voices that are causing us to feel shame and guilt and torment from the voice that invites us to come to Him and abide in Him and experience His love and peace as he welcomes us into His presence.

How disturbing of a thought to think that we are not good enough for Him. It’s the most abhorring thought to God, that we will not believe that He has made us good enough, that His love is enough to make us whole, beautiful, accepted, wanted, valued, forgiven, etc.

How disturbing of a thought is to deny God of His love being received and embraced by those He intends to give it to because of mistrust and believing lies about who He is and His character.

It is but an insult and an offense to Him who so freely and unconditionally loves us.

It is like i tell my kids how i feel whenever i do something out of love for them and they don’t even notice it or acknowledge it. When they take it for granted because they are so absorbed in their own lives that they fail to see those things that are being offered and done in their favor out of love.

And how these things make the person that is doing them feel.

I tell them all the time that it hurts. That when everything within me does something out of sheer love for them and it goes unnoticed, it doesn’t mean I’ll stop doing it, but after a few of those things go unnoticed i began to feel hurt and wonder if they even care or realize they’re doing it.

But what God reveals to me today is that these things are meant to fill my heart, to communicate something to me about who i am, about how much i am loved, about my identity, about how someone feels about me, and how wanted and desired and loved I am. And how this love is meant to change me, to establish me, to give me a strong foundation, to transform me, to bring me peace and rest, and fulfill me!!!!

These are the things i need to be meditating on, when i am feeling down. To remember how loved I am, and allow this love to quiet my soul and give me rest, knowing that it is not what i do and what i can accomplish that makes me worthy and accepted before my Father, but who I am and how he sees me is what makes me acceptable in His presence. His love makes me whole!!!!

And that no matter what others say or do or not say or don't do, I can be confident that my worth and value come only from Him. He is the only source capable of filling me wholly!