DYING...

WOW! I never thought i would be at this place, like this, and feel good about it. You see, what is happening in my life right now is that i am seeing and feeling this old person living in me dying slowly. And you might think, what do you mean? What i mean is that for so long i have been "play acting", as a friend put it, under this fake identity, this false person that i thought it was me. Weird, uh? No, not really. Reality is, we all function like this most of our lives. We acquire this fake identity, this false person, and pick it up and put it on as a defense, self-protective mechanism. From what? From all the wounds, past and present, that have been inflicted upon us and that have led us to, as a result, to inflict on others. Past sins committed against us as well as sins we have committed to others are all a part of this false identity. And i have lived with it for so long, it is so familiar, so comfortable, that i don't even realize this is not who i am. So, how did i get to be in this place where this old "David" is dying? What does that mean? Well, let me tell you about this old David. The old David is a person that lives insecurely in everything he does. He lives everyday to perform for his heavenly Father, for his wife, kids, and everyone else. He lives for the approval, acceptance, recognition and acknowledgment of other people. Everything he does is on display, on a grading scale, and usually he fails to perform "his best" performance, therefore he has to try harder every time, doing more, better, louder, flashier, more intense things in order to get the attention and meaning he so desperately needs. But it is never enough. It's a trap. He doesn't know who he is. He is serving the gods of other people's opinions. He is serving the gods that cannot ever be appeased. He is functioning under pagan traditions, spiritually cutting himself, yelling louder, dancing crazier, etc. Kinda like the story of Elijah and the prophets of ba'al.
What a pathetic way of living, isn't it? But this is what was fed to him as he was growing up. He was shamed, embarrassed, made fun of and belittled a lot. And so he felt he needed to work his hardest to make up for all his shortcomings. He felt that he needed to perform more, better, etc. And so, in this same way i have been relating to my Father. And it is icky to Him. Day after day trying to perform for him, to impress him, to buy his affection, to work hard to earn his favor, when in reality, all of that stuff is the reason why Jesus came to save me. Cause nothing that i do, that i can offer can earn my his love. That is why he gives it to me for free. Cause he loves me. And how hard has that been for me to understand. Every morning for a long time i have woken up trying to force intimacy with him through a set of "rules" and disciplines that only make it worse. Every morning i make a to-do list, wishing i have enough activities for the  day so that at the end i can feel like i did something, like i accomplished enough, but feeling so bad for not doing the most spiritual, the most impacting, the most life-altering stuff. If the day was filled with crappy projects, it still wouldn't be enough. I needed to feel spiritual enough. Man, what a slave.
But that old David is dying. And i am going crazy. The David i knew is going away, and i am being left with limbo, all the while God is preparing me to reveal to me who i really am. It is a weird place. It is a scary place. Because everything i held onto for security, for meaning, for purpose, in my personal life and ministry is being taken away, and i am being left to trust in a God that says He knows me, and He knows what He's doing.
So, my question to you is this...are you living under a fake identity? Will you be brave enough to let him take you out and "kill you softly with His love"?